seasonal haibun (5 7 5 7 7)

[westerling]

Low sings the fiddle
in the harvest moon's garden--
warm autumn night when
wind tastes of cool rain; change time,
a dance tune for season's end

Comments

[cloacabutt.livejournal.com]

I like it. "Low sings the fiddle." I hear the music. The crickets? (They just started here--it must be them.) I love all the words, but the rhythm doesn't quite work. I know it's supposed to be 57577, but it's a bit odd to end on "when" and then in the 4th line, there are lot of ideas, 7 syllables but it still feels a little crowded. What is the idea of a haibun? I'm not familiar with it. It seems like there should be one idea per line, since they are so short. The first two lines are perfect. I like the idea of changing time, and a dance tune. It has unity. Maybe it's the "wind tastes of cool rain" that doesn't quite fit, or is a different idea? I will think more about it.

[westerling.livejournal.com]

Haibun is like haiku, except with the two 7-syllable ending lines. It dates back to the 10th century or so. Perhaps one idea per line would be better--I was cheating a bit to get everything in. It might work better in my more standard form (extremely loose). Maybe I'll try it that way.

On the other hand, the rhythm changes right where I wrote "change time" which I didn't entirely do on purpose but seems like it has potential if I decide to revise. Which I might.